random thoughts

we are here because we are bored gods tormented by our minds until we decide not to be. no romance but good sex if youre lucky.

read about the surfin swami if you havent: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/18/surfin-swamis-catching-wa_n_152230.html

sounds like a good gig except for the cultism and no sex, Ganja or beer. in that order.

new song

I once met a man
and he didnt have hands
and he couldnt tell me which way to go

he wore his lunch like a flag
scented of cervesa
looking to me and cried

The pretty boobed lady
who danced in my dreams
walked away though the sand

the palmas were calm-as
I could hope to be tho
kicking the sand walking by

oh senorita de la playa
save me (chourus)

oh senorita de la playa
tell me

-(incomplete) origional composition

happy full moon

shes amazing

Im in love...

bee cuz

'Shiv' is always 'destroying' 'He' is always 'ahead' of 'everything' else ('') thanks you

somebody has to do it

drink beer before and after lunch. generally take it pretty easy. smoke a little in da evenin. there are tradeoffs as the dynamics of action work, but yes living in the hazy border of action and inaction success failure and other such extremes. the life of a philosophizer. deadbeat (origins of term?). yogi by default. faulty yoga. yes, somebody has to do it, and do it we shall!

neo weedic word of the week

black moon, kalachandra, कालाकान्द्र : the black ash circle left when extinguishing a joint of Ganja upon a hard surface

post breathing

posts from month to month look like rhythm, the rhythm of life here I sit happily purposefully purposeless.

Vedic plant of the week

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saussurea known as कुष्ठ
kustha in the Atharva Veda. will cure what ails you if you happen to be in the Himalayas.



or possibly http://www.floridata.com/ref/C/cost_spe.cfm

my friends rock

rock on!

God hath blessed me

the Sacred Ganja is abundant
planning for the Solstice 08


hung out with Mike today
wanting to stay in Tallahassee
the land of " little hills" as translated by a half Cherokee friend
the last native settlement overlooks the divide where the sea used to come a long time ago
my city itself is situated over an ancient beach. I currently live in what would have been under water many millenia ago. salt-flats as they are called now. miles of shallow mostly warm saltwater sandy bottom gulf. the Gulf of Mexico was mostly formed by a meteor impact around the Yucatan peninsula and Fl. my city was actually waterfront, which is today about 50 miles south. The Appalachian mountains end north of here in S. Georgia, foothills into north Tallahassee. they used to end in the gulf until sedimentary sand washed up and accumulated, and the water receded a long time ago. this is where I have spent most of my days. sometimes I want to disappear into a familiar swamp. many places in S. Tally remind me of UP and west bengal. Palm trees, sand. scrub oak and pine. poor black folks scavenging. fresh air. hospitality.

This is also my life. spanning the margins. hope and despair. life and death. breath or no breath, perhaps, but that is too dramatic. drama. when the drama goes, where do we go? the meteors fly by?

bong justice

4:20 pm thesis:. the bamboo bong does not hold up to daily use in a humid climate. mold spores quicly develop. the thicker walled, larger diameter bong section in particular. white like scale entities on inner tube. pond like taste. the larger model is consistently bad, even after drying by air.

If one had a large supply of 2-3.5" bamboo sections, fresh like a jungle morning, this would be an option. considering buying a piece of native pipestone to carve. the water cooled bong is better for the bod than the papered joint, and leave less ambient smoke. the stem of one is an Indian stainless steel pen casing, the other a smaller diameter piece of bamboo. both bowls are brass hvac fittings, with brass screens purchased at corner Gujarati owned convenience store. the bowl and stem is sealed to bong body with Indian made M-seal resin, like I used to glue diety faces on with while a hairless krishna.

Jai

reaching the critical mass. I will go nuts if I stay here. There have been many times my life have been fun, and many times dark. Time, decay, disintegration seems to drain shifting. standing at the edge of something. mortality perhaps (think positive). Jai Mahamrtyunjaya

read UG Krishnamurti. smart but nuts. likely cheater. wondering if extreme renunciation, and religizing and xtreme sensual gratification are both mental diseases. people who cant handle day to day life. like me I gez. no joke that my spirits went down with the economy. and other miseries.

my day

went with friends to buy thanksgiving lunch for our last day of class. friend hit on older good lookin lady in the store that we later saw on the road beside us driving a st. trooper car. he is on parole and we were drinking beer at the time of the aforementioned contacts. it was 11am or so. got back to school. smoked grape flavored blunt with friend. drank more beer. a good day overall. left early. cranked Funkadelic and drank beer chilled on lively hvac flake ice

its a great time

to be a music junkie
the internet is a heavenly planet of tunes that would be rarely played otherwise
music
music

a fifth seed

a shining Sun, a way to the weary and sky for the Earth. a fire for smoke , and thats all he wrote

update

been worried about not getting a job

dark day

tough day facing life. also in the news Micth Mitchell died in Portland, OR. The Jimi Hendrix Experience members are dead. ( Noel Redding in 2003.) http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7726024.stm .

my day hasn't been so hot either. Got my book in the mail, on a bright note. I can be a published unemployed man now.

Kartik Purnima

been telepathically awake. been awake, and asleep. the day of the full moon is indeed a celebration of sorts for the mind, for humankind. the least amount of darkness to the naked eye. salutations salutations. photo to possibly follow.

music genome project

http://www.pandora.com/

I implore both of my readers to explore Pandora's Box...its mostly new music though

smoke Herb if you want to talk to me

just relate

step in to the questionquest

Been consciously and subconsciously thinking of India a lot lately. perhaps because its that Kartik time of year. maybe my daily life is so boring. fighting off pangs of regret. watching four close peeling walls get closer. dreamed that I was in India but the setting looked like Atlanta. my right nostril was clogged in real life and in the dream I kept thinking that I cant get on a plane like this because I couldnt breathe.

Halloween eve

thinking about Halloween and how nice it would be to have a fire in the backyard. remembering the dead

151st post, and why I say the Doors are underappreciated even though they opened for the Monkeys

The Doors set a a precedent of white psychedelic blues, -but specifically the key board work of Ray Manzarek ,that was carried into the 1970's by many other bands . What to speak of Morrisons theatrical ingenious lyrics and being the general whacked out frontman rocker. Too bad he died. Some band members still perform occasionally.

tunes of note of late: Queen of the highway (Essential rareities) , Morrison chants 'bring out your dead' and rings a bell before they start ' the end' on the same album. pretty amusing live recording overall.

happy Dipavali and Kali Puja

I worshipped the Lingam yesterday. not naked like the previous month. but Ganja smoking by the mercy a da lord.

lake huntin

went to find lost lake today with my son. south of tally isthe aplalachicola natl forest filled with small lakes, springs, and sinkholes. really a wondrful place. forgot my camera. but next weekend I have two more lakes lined up. Lost lake was very clear water, few weeds, quite small, maybe less than 100 yds across. sandy, surrounded by pines and scrub oak typical of the former beach and seabed that was the state of Florida several million years ago. The water at Lost was clean, with little trash. a couple of 70's era pop-tab budweiser cans, faded wire, with the detachable tabs some distance away. few newer beer cans. a table knife. made in japan. floral design. little wildlife. squirrels, and tracks of a bird, heron likely. plenty of minnows, and a school of bream came up while J. was in the water. healthy looking bream. striped and spotted, small. calm cool autumn Sunday sunlight, communicating wit nature.

trees

this is a stand of Oak trees near here, next to a pond, a very beautiful place
chief sacred Oak

politiko

a few years ago I began to understand the rotten core of the USA. I dont expect things to change quickly or significantly under Obama but I have been wrong before. Whether he has sold his soul or not it willl improve things, and already is improving things between white and black peoples. The humans I associate with other tham my family are 60% Africanamarican cool cats. Ive always thought black folk are the most fun to hang with, which is one reason I hope to stay in the South. Strangely at 36 I feel like I have to live in a culturally comfortable place.

the hawk

doesnt know how he flies
it just happens because it must
thats all there is to know

silence figureatively broken

there is always some trouble and lack of it. time ripens. two weeks or so passes like the fart of a lone duck swimming across a placid pond.

interesting that there is no new energy created independent of the Sun...भास्कर...नमस्कार...

you get what you do not destroy

Apalachicola

is the birthplace of my dear snowball; an old town, older than tally. It is the birthplace of refrigeration (my trade-in-training) by John Gorrie (sp?). pressurized ammonia as the refrigerant. Apalach as is is commonly called, was also mentioned by Kerouac, and recently recorded by tom waits: home ill never be

"
(Jack Kerouac)

I left New York in 1949
To go across the country without a bad blame dime
Montana in the cold cold fall
Found my father in the gambling hall

Father, Father where you been?
I've been out in the world and I'm only ten
Father, Father where you been?
I've been out in the world and I'm only ten

Don't worry about me if I should die of pleurisy

Across to Mississippi, across to Tennessee
Across the Niagara, home I'll never be
Home in ol' Medora, home in Ol' Truckee
Apalachicola, home I'll never be

Better or for worse, thick and thin
Like being married to the Little poor man
God he loves me (God he loves me)
Just like I love him (just like I love him)
I want you to do (I want you to do)
Just the same for him (just the same for him, yeah)

Well the worms eat away but don't worry watch the wind
So I left Monatana on an old freight train (on an old freight train)
The night my father died in the cold cold rain (in the cold cold rain)

Road to Opelousas, road to Wounded Knee
Road to Ogallala home I'll never be
Road to Oklahoma, road to El Cahon
Road to Tahachapi, road to San Antone

Hey, hey

Road to Opelousas, road to Wounded Knee
Road to Ogallala, home I'll never be
Road to Oklahoma, road to El Cahon
Road to Tahachapi, road to San Antone

Home I'll never be, home I'll never be
Home I'll never be, home I'll never be
Home I'll never be, home I'll never be"

anybody out there

anyone can be your friend guru enemy lover teacher. thought processes, people, political systems and religions that say otherwise lie. there is no other way to say it. animals as well, only prefereably not the lover part unless it is consensual, I suppose. we are flying through it all in an instant

kontraband kitty

Snowball is just 3 weeks in our house. he is an incarnation of a unknown guitarist whose band once opened for Zeppelin. He is also known as snowballs, fat man, big boy (you cant fully appreciate how fat he is in this pic), big balls, and snowsack. He like the aroma of Ganja, and he hasnt seriously tried to eat our parakeets pepe and chitra. Snowball is a rare soul. We are not supposed to have him here due to our oligarchic landlords, the state of Florda. He is actually from Apalachicola and can be a bit of a badass having grown up and abandoned for a while down there. He may have been getting some good seafood though as he has a large girth.

modern day hero- om

why do the saints shamans sadhus authors acidheads as well as serious folk like me prefer to explore the boundary between what is and is not. real or imaginary, in a gross sense. mythology is real only when you are the hero, which is the intention

only 1 trillion!

updates

the dow

The dow has risen, the dow has risen indeed, let us give thanks and praise

oooops!

There goes our money and our economy for a while Americans! read more here


(Isnt it interesting this is happening at the end of Jr's reign? Its a sign the Bush clan thinks they will have less pull the next four years I think.)

PS to economics post of yesturday

Its interesting to note that W's Sr family, Marvin Bush and Jeb (and cousin Gearge Walker) are connected to lehman as well as the infamous savings and loan bail outs and scandals in the 1980's when Sr was veeps. And they happen to be related to the current president. The world is full of strange coincidences

Captain Happy

In light of my recent negativity, I have, in the tradition of self help, adopted the positive affirmation/epithet of Captain Happy. I call out the mantra 'Captain Happy' at odd intervals in the day when I need a shot of positivity. I'm hoping I will be known to the world as Captain Happy: the man who overcame the stupidity of humanity and the endless maze of faiths and wishes to emerge triumphant from the bowels of hopelessness as...Captain Happy. If you can be happy here you can be happy anywhere, after all. The best thing is you too can be an associate of Captain Happy simply by being happy. That's not too much to ask, is it?

current economic woes revealed by me

Whats more important than the election is the fact the americas investement system has grown increasingly crazy. In 1971 america went off the gold standard, by Nixon decree, due to excesses of the Vietnam war. Since then Amurca has been running on what could be termed a 'virtual asset' system, to some degree (which is increasing- and therefore the problem). There are some advantages to this as well which we wont get into. The problem is in the old days banks took in investments and lent money. In the modern system of "shadow banking" these virtual assets are shifted to and fro (in all types of investment and finance markets), to ideally make a profit. It is a system so chaotic and difficult to understand that the head of the fed, Bernake, had to get a refresher course to even address the issue, as reported by Forbes. This "shadow banking" is therefore unregulated...and completely legal. The problem is as investors shift virtual funds from semi-scam to semi-scam they take on some very high risk deals (as this is unregulated, and well...secret), deals that go bust.

In the old system if you went bust you went bust. The problems we are reading about stem form the fact that these investment giants control extremely large amounts of money and markets in the country, which are intertwined with financial circuits that effect almost every area of business and finance in some way. Due to this, their failure would send ripples through the entire economy, which would in turn potentially create a chain of reaction that would be so bad we don't even want to think about. Therefore the federal government feels economic pressure to step in and cover the bad investments of these "shadow banks", in defense of the national economy.

Lately we hear about the mortgage crisis. High-risk loans to underqualified individuals. Good for business in a way, because banks make money on a certain amount of forclosures. Even in a good economy this is normal. But when the country is affected by external negative economic factors )from the world economy) e.g. the rising price of oil and food, which these "secret banks" can't always foresee, there becomes a perfect storm of conditions for failure.

Essentially the tax payers will have to flip the bill for these assholes and their bad investements. Or, as Paul Krugman says, when these institutions win, they keep the profits, and when they loose, the taxpayers flip the bill. This is yet another way the rich get richer and the poor get poorer in America's increasingly hyper-capitalist mentality, that seems to be growing more reckless rather than smart. the bastards

full moon greetings

hell of a day a man must face with a old face turned to sweat in the humid vapor of the swamps cunt two guns warm in the backseat of yesterday wanting touch like the spirits that fly through it all laughing because anything would the mother or lover fly through the bright sky
tonight

unentitled

corrupted by philosophies and whatever else I sit.

a true story, possibly not true, I'm not really sure
across the field from the back door of our townhouse about 100 or so yards from where my green plastic chair sits, supporting my ass while on fresh air breaks lives a beautiful woman with black hair and good skin. I dont know where she is from, but statistically likely Chinese, and there are so many people from all over the world here. And many if not most of them, at least the females are quite beautiful. Venusian. so though I dont really know what her face looks like at all I can feel the vibe. Weve noticed each other, perhaps my own vibeless imagined vibe, as after several beers a couple of vodka shots last thursday night, I could have sworn the lady was gesturing wildly in the air, and to my buzzed mind she was perhaps signaling me to come hither.
Luckily I realized either way it was not a good idea to appreach her, in case I looked like a drunken horny bumbling idiot that I often am after nightfall. I have mispercieved things many times before hopefully not too much more. she may have been fanning eggroll scented burning oil smoke from her kitchen, if the case, being a gentlemen I would have helped her extinguish the fire. but my buns did not leave that green plastic chair, and there was no fire. Im pretty sure there was a woman there though.

I, like my perpetual innumerable forefathers, find the magic in a woman and her body or a bottle or a shovel or wrench or a gun. you never choose your death or your life. what would be the magic then? I wish I could say. someday will seem like yesterday, blown across a swampy field.

Im really not as crazy as it sounds save the below entries. Actually I am only acknowledgeing what is actually happening as opposed to what one wishes, expects, prays, affirms, believes, hopes, gots to have, snakin, fuck all world ego obscured spirit passing of days. living and dying. pretty and shit sticks to it. ride the bull or get tossed to the side. throw the trishul or be impaled.

fart of gas

there is no gas in my city, ostensibly due to the hurricane, although the governor claims there is no disruption to supply here. A typical lame weekend, gas or no gas. A bored and cranky kid. Lovemaking with the wife supposedly postponed to the weekend that never seems to happen on the weekend either. Boredom. Poverty. A family man's life is pretty shitty I've found. Believing lies for too long I have made myself a cocoon, unwittingly, in which to die. This network of bullshit that seemingly attacks from every side. when I was young I fled to India to try to live with some sort of meaning, perhaps subconsciously knowing what was to be my fate. There was a time when my life was exciting and hopeful, and I often wonder as of late if it will ever be again this time around.

notes to self

with a body of thought, flying in sunlight. dont look for the purpose. save your time. feels like a baby slapped on the back with yesterdays wanderings and feelings falling down. absorption emission. that is the mission

listening to

these young black religious dudes (unconfirmed religions) in my class are hashing out the essence of social evil. I realized how youth is so much energy with no brains. I was a hairy krishna for shits sake. the world and righteousness seems your oyster. One guy said he cant understand why people smoke if it "kills you", horrors of alcohol, etc. this intense looking older brother Troy (who also smokes) and I shared a look of disbelief and he commented how we can die at any moment, such as being hit by a truck, to which I agreed. What to speak of by touching hot wires or oxyacetylene tanks bursting in our faces. I figure I am a better authority on death than someone ten years my junior. cause Ive known him longer.

human pincushion

my new cat dug into my arms
my old lady has dug into my heart
insects have dug under my door
my arm dug into asphalt two weeks ago
and it all grows back

morning of Saturn

in some ways one has to see his or her or its life as an experiment. like the rare human sages of yore. that was the original line of the gita. the strongest of men that become immortal. called differently in different languages, the brahman, the mystery or whatever ,and the duty, either mental or physical or both, fides. in the modern day compulsive enjoyment has replaced honor, and subsequently, knowledge.

2day

bought a pack of american spirit kings. good. flirted with a lesbian pet store worker in the reptile section. she let me son an I hold various snakes and lizards. ball python some litle black and red kingsnake. she knew her snakes too. she had an answer for every question. frilled dragon Uromastyx (tail like a small dinosaur) and others. I want the ball but my vedic wife wont allow.

worried that I see no purpose in life. A series of miseries. all philosophies are useless. all wishing for an afterlife time wasted, though it is ultimately wasted anyway. everthing against a backdrop of loss. a strange freedom in hopelessness. for the first time in my life I have loss the desire to live, though I am not suicidal.

Fay kisses tree, Aug. 08 Tally, FL

I

lost in a second.

siva ratri

its all the bodies in motion. perpetual motion. the perpetual sex. atoms molecules organs bodies mountains planets gasses lights. it doesnt seem to end. this is the union of siva and parvati

grind the bhang and sing a song

Fay is a good day

today and yesterday we are with Fay. water pellets fly sideways. the Earth parties in her own ways. As for me I do too

deepest suspicions confirmed

http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2001/01/23/monogamy/index.html

monogamy is unnatural. confirmed above

older

as I age the choices seem increasingly less and stakes continually higher

sometimes you just want off the ride

one must survive even alone

Bryce canyon, UT June '08

the slothman cometh

reading too much ed abbey to pass the days, hence the title of the post. the lazy doggish days of august. nothing. no meditation. only smoking. thinking. lounging.
probably forgetting sanskrit. will now learn gas and pressures. voltage. money.
feeling isolated, or insulated, depending on how you look at it. going over my life. choices. desires. conflicts between. sometimes better to do nothing. like on Bukowski's grave "don't try". If you dont know what the fuck you should be doing, better to not do anything. this is the principle that unites those like us who are often seen as lazy, or contemptful of modern life. I dont even give a fart for art. how is that ed? (re: 'confessions of a barbarian') the dummy keeps falling in love, whatever the hell that means, and getting married to any nice twat it seems. then laments, has various lovers etc. other than that he was a pretty tough fucker though, and usually right on in most matters. he is self-absorbed as most writers are. but reading his books are enough to make any housebound hetero male want to drop everything and run off to the nearest forest. or the nearest attractive woman.

maybe I should write a book. it cant be that hard. Abbey could do it. the old crazy drunk Bukowski wrote poems. a novel. a novel idea. can one who has never written a novel write one in their spare time? would I then have to act and write like a writer all the time? desiring fame and young women? better to be famous for desiring women. first the book...the book. a story of some sort, with sex and violence. intrigue. I guess having Asian religious themes, since that is where I have (blown) most of my life and time. only the desire to create. like god. the lazy god. too lazy to become god.

last week of summer 08

yes the endless summer is ending. the beer infused herbally hazed days of daze must and always end. I begin the next and hopefully most profitable education project. HVAC my friend. within a few months should be making good money as if that will fill the voids of life. One begins to question the purpose of one's existence, I mean, more than usual, when home alone. living in the head. cold wife at work. we are mutually together sometimes I think only for J, time will tell all as it must. she doesnt understand me much, nor I her for nearly a decade together seems strange. it sucks growing up and seeing the willful illusions behind nearly everything life offers. This is why I have no real ambition, save meditation on surf, sky, mountain, women (in general, not necessarily specific). consumption of the best quality beer I can afford. a smoke. who will say if my life was/is a failure or success? I am just another bug on the side of the massive cosmic wave we call life. will die, as a reward for my troubles.

I have a couple or more broken pieces of amythyst geode. I should charge one with a mantra and boon and throw it in the woods

the woods where I planted the Mother who gives birth to herself
and the spirits sit in trees , looking for someone to talk to

life- a post

so the song birds have sung their last. The honeymoon with my life thus far, current and next several years is officially finished. perhaps Im just feeling the musty, damp, and hot august blues. mi wifey and I agreed that dislike, or rather partial dislike, is mutual. swinging on the end of a line somewhere, blowing in the wind. I shouldnt complain. I have food, herb, water. health is a little sketchy lately, no doubt exasperated by over indulgence last weekend in an unplanned social event (liver may be protesting). soon to be a published author. hopefully hopeful but not really. interesting things happen when you loose all hope sometimes. what have you got to loose? you will

vita- minimal

seeing my life. the sillyness of it all. the failure. the time wasted. energy wasted. my beard is turning rapidly grey. (my hair is yet to catch up thankfully). An old man who was never a child. Ed Abbey writes about being comfortable and even taking joy in one's overall life failure; but he wanted to be famous at least, and was/is in some circles. I don't even have that going for me. I don't even want to be famous. What do I want? I want to fly. to breathe fresh air. jump in water. fuck women. the emptiness and drudgery of life I have feared my whole life seems immanent. my deepest and animal-like self recoils. marriage is an illusion. religion is an illusion. survival is real. better anything else. but then what have you got?


*been meaning to write a review of Julius Evola's 'Revolt against the modern world' , which is sure to irritate both his fans and critics. stay tuned

life- ad infinitum

oh when life was simple and meaningful, instead of complex and worthless
meaning is where you put it. but what about the mistakes?
mistaken meaning. what does meaning even mean? I mean...

child

my son and I suspect most children read emotion before anything. the real intent. not the mutually aware facade adults wear for each other. the things I murmur off hand, he remembers too. we adults are nothing but grown children anyway.

voodoo doll of FL city commisioner found

http://www.local6.com/news/16975929/detail.html

click link for video

strange days

have found me, in the steamy Jooly/August vegetation mire of the Gods honest Florida.
Florida of flores, the air hums with ufo insects
in a soft light, after a rain
Sun Maharaj has backed of to chase the beauty on the other side

late summer lacks the flower smells. waterlogged wood. rotting fruit from trees. decomposing flowers. but the air is full of the sweat of the gulf , raining briefly, intensely. like a lovelorn man and a beautiful woman.

these are days in the Void- capital V. Watching 70s flicks on netflix. living in the moment like the greatest of sages. drinking the love of life through the pores, and eyes of course. I should be writing a novel (and I am preparing the ground in ways I suppose), or on an airplane, boat, car, horse, yak, somewhere far away, starting a religion, owning a bar in the bronx, etc. Like John Lennon said, life is what happens while you're making other plans. So my life is to be a shaman to my tribe (me son wife) , and Earth. Im also unemployed as real shamans/sadhus usually are. Channeling the good for the Earthly life forms as well as Uberearthly.

news

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7520624.stm

Chavez calls for Russia alliance

have you ever felt

like you didnt want to be anywhere that was accessible to you at all, even asleep? What do you do?


feeling the fragility of the body
am I getting old? I dont feeel old
floating across the green land
from below

that '70's show

Retro 70's fashion is OK. '70's economic mistakes and war mongering is not. Since WW2 the US has driven its economy to a large degree by war. Yes folks, for over 50 years war has been the solution of our government. This is confirmed by some economists who have studied the FDR presidency, only it worked in that case, due to many other factors not present now. Of course there are other reasons to wage war, but if it is not in a country's economic advantage or related concerns of sovereignty they will not wage war. This is world history. Although modern politicians would like us other wise.

Lets do a quick and dirty OM rundown. Fat cat generals and other goons who grew powerful in a well funded war machine post WW2 were giddy by the effectiveness and funding of that machine. The new enemy, perhaps rightly, was communism. The Korean war was the testing ground necessary to show the American people how dangerous the reds were, and establish the new enemy in the public eye. Plus they got to try out new weapons not ready in time for ww2. It costs a lot of money to make all those weapons, hell even simple tools! Does anyone remember the $700 screwdrivers and toilet seats the government was paying for in the '80's?

Then Vietnam. JFK was reportedly about to write off most support for the cause...about the time he was murdered. Hmmm. Unpopular war, many dead, no results, for over 10 years. Even war supporters should have known after Tet it was a done deal. Why stay? Because it meant big money. That napalm costs a lot.

So much taxpayer money is diverted to defense industries, that other areas suffer...but it takes a while to shake out economically. At first jobs are created, money is made, etc. See the 1950's US (again many different circumstances not present today). Not a bad time economically speaking. Then the '70s. Oil embargoes, unemployment skyrockets, horrible inflation. Earlier this summer I read 'Decent Interval' about the final days of US presence in Saigon. The US tried to milk the cash cow until it was literally chased out of the city, April 1975. The problems were already rearing their heads at home though. Somehow under Carter's semi-sane judgment (he came close to legalizing Cannabis also), the US made it through the '70's.

Enter Reagan. Reaganomics. Cut from other programs, build up arms race, funnel money to defense contractors. Necessary? I guess we'll never know but the USSR was bankrupt, and corrupt by the late '80's. Bush 1, floated down the pike. Didn't enter Iraq; good, didn't do much else; bad. Clinton, good times overall (perhaps not in Bosnia). Budget surpluses, very low fuel prices. Country was calm and watching Seinfeld every Thursday.

Now the current dickheaded administration, out of greed and stupidity invades Iraq for oil, and strategic control of the region. Budget surpluses blown quickly; fuel prices begin to rise. Public funds increasingly channeled to private war and reconstruction contractors (cut out that troublesome red tape and feed the monkey directly), often unaccountable. Some of these connected to private business interest of the VP and others. Still flushing trillions into Iraq with no result. Sound like Vietnam? After studying Vietnam the dark hand realized that keeping US body counts low was the key to protracted war. Only they didn't realize (or maybe they do) they are pushing the economy to the brink. They are using old solutions to new problems, and doing it in a much more greedy and reckless manor. We are only seeing the beginning of the problems.

And I'm pretty fucking pissed off about it.

Conclusion: War is not a viable economic strategy. People suffer and die. Even animals treat each other better.

the economy

In case nobody has noticed, things are getting tight here in America. Just read about Benake's testimony this morning. Being an armchair economist (almost majored in it), and unemployed, and suffering many unexpected expenditures lately, I am taking special notice. In this american life of mine, I have never seen such drastic increase in the cost of damn near everything. Bernake, rightly, stated that demand for oil, in particular, has simply exceeded supply. Its not futures speculators. Petrol (gas to us amurcans) has always been, in comparison to other nations, cheaper here, in spite of the private industry (non-nationalized) that has certainly thrived here. In is interesting (or expected) he did not include the wars of attrition the US is fighting on two fronts that are draining the coffers, as other economists have. Then the icing on the cake this weekend: Fannie mae and Freddie Mac are in the red. Normally this is was a desired thing for the elite bank owners, who like in the '80's fiasco, over-wrote houses etc. (some apparently non-existent), only to get bailed out by the fed. govt., with whom they had a very cozy 'business' relationship under Reagan.

I have read all manner of comments from around the world about America's role in the world economy. The most bizarre perhaps (on Al Jazzera), one man who stated that America is staging is own economic downturn for the purpose of....hurting other nations. That is certainly ingenious. 'I'm gonna burn down my house to piss of my neighbor' logic.

What is good is that China, in particular, has a vested interest in the American economy; after all who is going to buy all that cheap crap that produce? Russia is relishing, Chavez is blissful (calling for $300 a barrel if Congress pisses him off), and Bush is still oblivious (he did blame the democrats today, another brilliant assessment, almost as good as the Al Jazzera dude).

On a personal note I have been sick for what seems like several days. My fever peaked out, I hope, yesterday.

late

there is no excuse for not blogging, not that I need one. Just like I don't answer my phone when I'm busy, or when someone calls me a lot. There is a cessation of freedom that comes with technology, and living in close quarters with others. There is a drive to be disconnected from the trivial.

Lots has happened. I saw Tom Waits in Jax. I'm not in the mood to write about that. I got a preliminary offer from a German publishing house to publish my thesis. Thats good news. Sent it off today. In fact I'll continue this post at a later date.

Tom Waits 7-1-08 Jax

I realized I never mentioned Mr Waits' show. Me and Dave drove down about 1:30pm. My nerves were frazzled by getting a letter from a bureaucrat about why they werent responsible for my car flooding.

back

we each have the only life we can particularly love and tolerate. mine is the art of emptiness, or rather...drinking beer and doing nothing. Ed Abbey writes of meeting such an individual in some town in Arizona that is now under lake powell. the old guy made an attempt to answer but after a minute or two said...nothing. This brings us tothe desert, or back from the desert more accurately. My readers, both of them, are anxious I'm sure, to read of my adventures in the deserts, canyons, and scrublands of southern Utah and Arizona. That is to come I assure. It has been a rough transition back to the swamplands of Tally, although a gentle rain and cool temperatures are the weather, after the flash flood nearly totaled my car this past week.

muchos cigaros

is the name of the new shop down the street for glass, shishya stuff, cigars etc. An amazing selection of papers, which my my quest. I got an enthusiastic display and many samples to take home. got some corn paper papers, made in Spain, as well as some 'Jamaican Hemp' papers also made in Spain, but from Jamaican hemp. both 1.50. not bad, and impressive for ol tally. either the vegan 'raw' sample or the corn 'smoking' papers leave a nice beer or bourbon like taste. Or maybe its actually the taste of beer. at any rate, it was an amusing day of shopping, and some cool new papers.

Hung out for a few minutes with the owner of Tony's, a convenience store a couple of blocks away, and Indi, the cashier, a Bengali dude, from Burdwan. It was nice to chat with deshis. They were the only guys who sold decent herb pipes in town before cigaros. I love India. Its a small world: I buy pipes, screens, papers and beer from a Gujarati guy. Im listening to Paul wine Jones and stoned happily, leaving for the first leg of vacation tomorrow..

older

I have noticed I have began to identify myself with physically older men lately. Yesterday I stopped at a local, somewhat lonely and very rundown convenience store. It is near a 4way crossroads and train crossing. I would often remark that I bet it got robbed alot. It smells like an old convienence store out of your childhood memories. That indescrible funk dank smell that also signaled ice cold drinks and bottles of beer melting their shapes into mounds of old ice inside and other delights.

An old hippy guy was working the register. Im not being discriminatory, but he had a tie-dye long hair worn loose, beard, in fact in facial appearance alot like myself, brown hair/eyes. I only went there for a cold beer and to try to track down my favorite brand of rolling papers, Joker, which mysteriously went off the market here a year ago. He offered me some Jbs, $.99. shitty papers. other Jbs $3+. ain't like the old days. He told me of a new store here with glass pipes etc. 'Muchos Cigaros' . I went by there today but they were closed for another hour.

Then today at the bike store the guys were older than me too but mellow old dudes. I feel ageless but I guess the body goes on, though I feel pretty wonderful on a moment to moment basis I must admit.

laterly

I have understood now finally I only wanted to understand the subtle laws that seem to regulate our experience. Look at it from different angles. What possibly lays beyond. Not the bullshit. Reading Nisarga, and a guy named Robert Adams who hung out with some big name jnanis like Ramana Maharsi and Krishnamurti. I had alot of questions. I think some people are into that that ultimate mood but I could say much more, and wont. I guess when it comes down to it I am more of a Tantrik or yogi than anything, shall I be named... I will read and give a chance to anything now, but it will be scrutinized. Abhinavagupta is interesting but still argumentative, lots is avilible on the web such as from the muktibodha institute.

Word is...

The word is we will be living in San Diego in about a year and a half. I can't wait. A Cannabis friendly state (though not SD co. apparently). I visited once as Hare krishner monk and stayed a few days. They made these bars called bliss bars, and gave a bunch the the swami I was with. He was pretty fat already and shared them with me.

Mexico is literally the other side of town. The Ganja must be plentiful and cheap. Beautiful Latina ladies. Plenty of work in my soon to be training for trade, I hope. The markings of a nice town.

Obama

Obama wins the hot seat. I hope the man wins the presidency. He'd better watch his back though. Its not the 60's, but if he gets it, Hills is back on. If something happens to O. there will be a lot of really pissed off people. Couple that with everything becoming more expensive. He will have a contest with Mccain though. Its up to the youth. I'm afraid the media will report heavily how close it is and then certain people will rig the election in Mcpains favor, easily done with paperless voting. That is the pessimist outlook of course, Obamermania may sweep the country.

me in mamalapuram, Tamil Nadu

May 2006. Notice my sahasrar ablaze (unaltered), the famous 'shore temple in the background, perhaps due to the big bottle of kingfisher (left, fore), I had been drinking. this is unaltered in any way, thus I'm a confirmed saint. probably

gettin hot

the mower men are here. meditateing more lately. life is slow. going out west in 2 weeks.

we

like to sacrifice ourselves to everything but ourselves, the ultimate expression of life. except for the recluse, which I am mostly happily becoming, but wont last. I am reading and locked in contemplation. my life just another thing, like the wind blowing, great and meaningless.

Soma decoded? finds in Turkmenestan

http://www.ejvs.laurasianacademy.com/ejvs0901/ejvs0901d.txt

This is some interesting information on some archaeological discoveries in Turkmenistan that may shed some light on the identity of Soma-Haoma.

Haydar's Emerald cup

Haydar's Emerald cup


Give up wine and drink from the wine of Haydar,
Amber scented, green the color of emerald.
It is presented to you by a Turkish gazelle, slender,
Swaying like a willow bough, delicate.
In his hand, you would think, as he turns it,
It is like the traces of down on a rosy cheek.
The slightest breeze makes it reel,
And it flutters toward the coolness of the continuing breeze.
The grayish pigeons coo upon its branches in the morning.
And the cadences of the warbling doves cause it emotion.
It has many meanings the like of which are unknown to wine.
Therefore do not listen with respect to it to the words of the old censor.
It is virginal, not deflowered by rain,
Nor has it ever been squeezed by feet or hands,
No Christian priest has ever played around with a cup containing it,
Nor have they ever communion from its cask to any heretic's soul...
Nothing has been said expressly from Malik to declare it unlawful,
Nor is the hadd penalty for its use... prescribed...
Thus take it with the sharp edge of steel.
Stay the hands of worry with kyff and achieve joyful repose.
Do not lightly postpone the day of joy till tomorrow.
'The days will show you what you were ignorant of,
And someone for who you did not provide (to serve as your
messenger) will bring you the news'

- medieval Sufi poet, Ibn al-A'ma

-|-

how it is

its like when you drop a hot bowl or other article, or drop anything for that matter. you can direct it as it falls but at the point it falls, which may be random or not, you can maintain some control if you are sharp. that is my life

approaching a milestone (ed)

I just realized upon hearing Aindra Dasa, my former mentor, on youtube that it has been 5 years, this month, or more or less, since my full blooping. it has about equaled the time I spent in Vraj and WB. 9mos in WB and the rest in Vrindavan and vicinity. I feel nothing but happy to be alive at this moment and not wanting to be in some village trying to imitate Indian men who lived several hundred years before. god is now and here, thank gods

Sgt. PePe

I am happy to announce that we got another keet last night. He's green in front, kind of peridot, with yellow on back and some striping. Quite cool guy actually. In a deep meditative trance the name PePe came to me, then on the way home from the pet store with him I saw a liscence plate that said 'SGT P' . So I started singing sargent PePe's lonely keet klub band and there it stands. I inadvertently call him pee pee sometimes. He is also known as Sgt Pooper because he had a little diorrea this morning. He is currently in quarantine but in the same room as everybody else. Pushya may leave today. Its for the better I feel strongly, but still kind of sucks.

Stay tuned for pics of Sgt PePe tommorrow or later today.

Tom Waits

I got tickets for me and Dave to see Tom Waits in Jax. $85+fees a pop. Decent seats. They didn't announce ahead of time when the Jax tickets were to go on sale. But we are goind thank god. The Fox theater in ATL would have been cool too, just for the ambiance, but shit, Tom Waits is Tom Waits

ifn

If there is a Brahman or whatever you want to call it, God, you bastard, Matadi, the possibilities would be infinite. The substrata of every single anything, and nothing. Fucking mind blowing. The amazingness of everything.

Saw 'No country for old men' last night http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477348/. I was glad I had forgot I heard the ending sucked, which it did. Especially since the netflix disk cover said it was 2:23 and it was right at 2 hours. It worked, but was a throwback to a genre of folks, like the Tarantino flick I saw yesterday 'Deathproof' of the 'Grindhouse' double feature http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/. Folks, like me, who grew up in the 70's and early 80's, whatever fucking generation that is, x I think. Cool '70s cars, guns. Lots of guns in 'no country'. A shotgun with a silencer carried by a freaky looking hitman with a bad haircut.

The Tarantino flick was decent, or perhaps indecent. It had a lot of natural sounding conversation between several very beautiful women. In QT style includes a very gory scene, but ends well with the second group of women ultimately beating the shit out of the villian. Sorry I gave it away, but it was a good pro woman ending I thought.

shitty day- farewell Shuka (left)

listening to the doors. sat. evening. My parakeet died this morning, apparently drowned unintentonially by my son in a small tub of epsom salt water I had been soaking my foot gash in. Its been a shitty day. we were to give pooshya the macaw away this week. I dont know what the fuck to do in life sometimes. you have to almost take a back seat to it. the musty ache of death hovers still, even though he was a little bird, he was smart and friendly, and he is missed.

weird place

I wrote -then removed a post about getting surveiled, if that is indeed a word, by a helicopter while foolishly attempting to plant the Plant nearby my apartment. Today I saw some kind of weird small airplane like thing dropping slowly down...straight down, sitting upright. It was like some kind of drone or something. They closed off the road that leads to the area where it looked like it would be landing a couple of months ago. I thought for construction (it's a fairly well traveled road, in a poor side of town) but I have been by there several times with no sign of construction. I am beginning to suspect they are testing some secret military toys the engineering school, .5 miles away is making.

update

weather like India lately, warm (86F) not overbearing , and very windy. dust blowing in the air. magnolia flowers blooming. on the island last 3 days. Yesterday I cut my foot on oyster shells in the bay trying to launch a kayak. the blood dipped like a faucet. leaving a 4" puddle of red blood , seemingly too bright, like paint on the white sand of appalachicola bay. I felt dizzy and paddled back to shore, which was only about 20 ft away or so. drank some water. tried to go out again after resting with my tshirt twisted around the gash. fely dizzy. drank a beer. debated hitting the joint again. went back home.

good news

Tom Waits is touring the south http://tomwaits.com/. We will try to get tickets for the fox theater in ATL. I am very happy and hope the shows aren't sold out yet. Also. I don't have to go for jury duty - a perk of being unemployed as well as having a child. This is good news too, the second time I have been blessed by avoiding it. If I can get mother Ganja to visit me all is well.

reading

I'm reading 'Decent Interval' and 'Crime and Punishment' for entertainment. The former about the final days before Americans got driven from Saigon, April 1975. The latter the dark genious comrade himself.

cops driving through my yard

I looked out my window about 8 am after hearing some funny sounds to find a speeding police car ripping through the grass about 8 feet from my front door. He was followed by a motorcycle cop. It looked like fun. I don't know what was going on through.

THC Ministry

I don't know about it http://www.thc-ministry.org/forum/ , but it seems like fun. I think Im gonna be a Cannabis Minister Why the hell not? If they can convince the man to be kind , I dont mind.

bird for adoption or sale

my mini macaw is driving me insane. my nerves are shatter by her piercing screams. my ears assaulted by her razor sharp beak. I try to be real quiet when I'm upstairs so she doesn't start freaking out. I have to get rid of this bird. I thought about shooting it with a .22. I would never do that of course, but the mind goes through strange states early in the morning when perceiving loud soundwaves blasting through the air, by a bird with little worries in life. I will kind of miss her but I will never agree to having pets again, but its up to my family comrades ultimately.

back

my back went out. I guess I stretched a muscle toting a big sack full of books around last Thurs.

oh Russia

To begin, from what I read Putin is better than Bush. But Russia is essentially, as much as they don't want to admit, a mirror image of the US. Run by a highly exclusive and elite core of men, and women (his 24 yr old gymnist girlfriend is a Duma member [pro-or blow-Kremlin party]) that are making zillions off of gas, petrol etc. The government does what it wants. But, I tend to think Putin actually is more concerned with the overall welfare and future of Russia than Bush is of America. Still comrade Lenin would be spinning in his glass lidded tomb. which I have had darshan of , the old fuck

weird dream

had a weird dream last night. in a diner somewhere, it was fairly crowded. I am me, long hair in ponytail, button up checkered shirt. Some mexicans came in (I thought in the dream they were Mexican). I give one of them , in a cowboy hat. I take half a notice but while he was kind of strecting over or something his shirt rides up and I happen to see a semiauto pistol tucked in jeans, like one of those shitty S&W 9s. He notices that I noticed, and I have the clear thought "I'm about to die" unarmed , but even if I was the guy was way ahead of where I would want to be. He pops me in the neck. Thats the last. I actually thought the name Krishna but then thought , as I was waking coming back to my senses, then remembered, wow I am conscious! I have thought died. In a sense the terror was the same. the mind creating like the elements create.

Earlier in the night I went through some kind of intense internal psychic dialog with myself during sleep. I did not drink. well I drank a beer. which is much less than usual. unfortunately. My sleep was light. smoked 3-4 bong hits around 7:30 pm. went to bed a little after 10. Its not really about eradicating badness or negativity but about going forward

cleaned my office

gave my professor a statue of Sarasvati which I think she liked very much. we did the rest o the grades, took only and hour. woke up hungover. drank a beer tonight though, but I can say it seems appealing as on a normal day. last day at school

banyan or pippal?

Just to clear it up as it is often misunderstood, the inverted tree of BG and upanishads is अश्वत्थ , ashvattha, pippal (Hindi) tree, it is also the Bo tree. Its name means 'horse stand'. The banyan न्याग्रोध , nyagrodha, or Vata, is different. I have not seen pippal outside of S. Asia, but banyan grows in Florida, possibly California, I'm not sure.

a day

Finished my last paper. the desk is still piled over a foot high in books and the occasional Ganja ash. I am entertaining my professor and some others tonight. My townhouse, as usual, is trashed, well maybe not trashed but I must tidy up. Ones own life is a refuge of sorts for the lucky. Pollen fills the air; pecan and the much hated and quite toxic ligustrum. feeling a level of unshakability, for lack of a better word, though my sinuses differ. I suppose without school, I will be blogging more to hash out my issues with various issues.

a nice north wind blowin in

all is fine
finished my last paper
applying to teach in my co.
derek trucks making a guitar speak to my heart
all is fine

too much philosophy

I am beginning to think that the whole idea of reincarnation and afterlife is not important, even detrimental in trying to understand oneself and existence. Some have argued this is the essence behind the Buddha's doctrine of anatta. One of the main reasons I got into GV was the stable version of an afterlife presented, to quell my fear of death. Of course this is a very natural fear, and a somewhat natural way of addressing it, found in most religions.I would still enjoy, as me, just better, and permanently. I do not believe life or consciousness ever stops completely, I have seen no evidence of this on a collective level. The mind, and body certainly stop at some point, but life goes on. How it goes on is a bigger question than I, or most of the people I have met or read, can deal with with our present faculty. I do think it is important to ponder this point, but not be too ready to manufacture answers. Intuitive I feel it may become a non-question at some point; not that it necessarily becomes answered at a particular point in time.

Control of the mind and the subsequent understanding of its nature is of immediate importance, and can produce immediate results. Other concerns take a back seat to this.

Jagat on Madhava, me on Jagat on Madhava

Just readJagat writing about Madhava. I'm spacing out heavily at the moment and read blogs to waste time. http://jagadanandadas.blogspot.com/
I took two issues as problematic: 1) citing M.'s samkaras, and says he will always be a Vaisnava. What is a decade or two or three in the scope of eternity? People follow some religion for some years and think its indicative of some kind of destiny, or worse, a qualification. Its a faulty assessment of time that one uses as reason to maintain our mundane conceptions about ourselves.
Which leads us to... 2) There is nothing 'anti-love' about Buddhism or Advaita Vedanta (code words for people who don't believe GV); the assessments are meant to be disturbing as our comfort with the humanly idea of 'love' is our self-destructive (really just ignorant) justification for maintaining bodies of matter, which in turn, keep us searching for 'love'. There is nothing inherently good or bad in the world, but there is suffering or denial of love, or else people wouldn't join salvific religions like GV. The beauty one chases in GV is the beauty of the Self, which the mind tries to accommodate in language it understands. The categories we choose to frame our lives have no meaning outside of the source of life, and if someone is fortunate, stubborn and daring enough they will get a glimpse (I think M. may be stubborn enough). Nothing really magical or mystical about it. Tantra, Buddhist or Hindu, uses similar techniques as GV, yet they understand the deities and meditations are tools, not the goal. GV takes the means as more or less the end, and must therefore juggle many inconsistencies and ontological difficulties in the process.

I thought a few years ago when I first met M. online he was too inquisitive to stay in GV and make the continuous leaps of faith adherence to the philosophy demands. I don't think he will be back, but the thought is disturbing to some, and they should ask themselves why. J. laments the overall kanistha orientation of the modern GV world, which is another point of inquiry, why is this? I have indirectly stated my answer.

me at protest rally

not really me, but it sums it up

busy

I wonder if I use being busy as an excuse to not be more social, as if I should be.

systematically understand the parameters of the mind and know that it by its nature cant contain the many ways of seeing. but its often fearful to do otherwise, why is this? the answer is obvious. the stone hits the bamboo

you know...

What can I do anyway except examine my life and the world around me

why

why are humans such slow learners? I keep thinking of that old man yesterday, trying very hard to convince me that I am not happy. How strange! A normal person would be happy for me. Poor man. Later, I realized I allowed the guy to approach me and listened to his spiel because he was old, white beard, looked like he could have possible learned a thing or two in life, but no. He was a confused soul in an old body. Why do we humans have to learn the hard way? Ultimately because we have the power in life to do exactly what we want; although we can never make the unreal real. That, I believe is the catch. We can choose to believe and live as we want I think, yet we are always bound by the consequences of our choices. So many people profess the desire for liberation, but to them it is just another form of mind/ego enjoyment, so it remains elusive. I am no exception, I can honestly say, perhaps only in the last few months, that I don't really want mukti, that is, I have not destroyed the fear of the loss of my mundane perception of my own identity, even though it keeps me fluctuating between happiness and misery. At least I can admit that now, and clearly see the ties that bind, and I know, with certainty, only I can cut them, and they will only be cut when nature takes its course.

last day of class

feel strangely transcendental to my own life. I am finishing school, having studied nearly exclusively for the last 4 years Hinduism, Buddhism, Sanskrit and Hindi. It was a wonderful opportunity, that I am very grateful for. I shouldn't say was, since I still have a rather long paper to make up, and some other work before graduation next Friday. But today was my last class. I have grown in many ways the last few years.

prem rawat aka Maharaji aka "lord of the universe"

evidently the old unwise man's guru has rubbed some people the wrong way and said some stupid stuff...go figure...
http://www.ex-premie.org/


the official site: http://www.maharaji.org/index.html

besides, any adult english speaking followers of anyone that willfully call themselves "premies" deserve little respect as credible in anything, in my opinion

people who haven't lived in India don't know religion/guruship is a big business there, and is the big break for some poor families. Generally the successful ones go on their charisma and basic , more advaitic, style; a generic yoga, jnana, devotional, mish mash. like I told the dude, herad it all seen it all

guru walla at lake ella

I just had a rather unenlightening experience with some old new york jew who is a follower of a guru, some guy named prem rawat I think, while I was walking with my son at a downtown park. He drew me into a conversation which I won't recount in full, circular, intelligent sounding but rote. The guy challenged me in various ways to define enlightenment etc. The guy was kind of loveable in an old NY Jewish man sort of way, but turn off overall, especially when he told me his guru had 200+ thousand disciples, as if that would impress me (this was after I told him I wandered India for some years, and had heard it all, seen it all, and damn near studied it all). In a nutshell, he told me I was full of shit and I said, "prove it", I certainly had more reason to think he was full of shit rather than me, and I got the sense he knew that on some repressed level. But my argument was based only on logic nothing else and still he didn't relent. Later I thought he must be some equivalent to a prabhupad disciple in the west, in his cult.

I am quite new to the realization I don't need a guru or lineage, or religion at all, and I don't need to justify it to anyone, yet I learned something about myself from the guy. I watched my mind teeter with fear, "maybe he is right, maybe this guy is the one...(at which I realized I was thinking like an idiot again)". He took it for granted I have not been thinking about these things most of my life. He brought out all of his cultish artillery, the prefab arguments of why no one can be enlightened on their own, even though I defeated one after one of his arguments. I even slammed my hand on the table suddenly when he started to make a point about awareness in the present moment, to see what he would do (I was hungry having missed lunch, feeling impish, and beginning to get irritated with him as well). The guy obviously didn't know much philosophy, but what little he did he was vociferous about. As I was leaving he said something about how I didn't know when I would die, so I should start thinking about these things, as if I hadn't before, then he muttered "5 years" a few times as I was walking away. Then I saw my mind fearful, "will I die?...is this crazy man right about all this ?".

Then I realized what a wonder learning experience it was; the disturbance in my mind faded as effortlessly as it came. I learned how much I would like to discuss these things with a knowledgeable person (he was not, sincere perhaps, maybe introspective but still shallow and fearful). Also my own doubts that linger, perhaps fear is a better word. As I walked away I saw how silly the whole thing was, how the fluttering mind is so quick to doubt even things I have personally realized, especially when some random old man challenged me. He reminded me in an, offhand way, to be both confident and serene, especially in these last few days that I have been under the weather and incredibly busy in my last two weeks of grad school. I saw a part of my mind and ego flare, fueled by fear: fear of 'mistakes', death, life; in the mind they all run together. I saw my twenty-something year old ISKCON ego come up again, the lost fearful soul desperately looking for the way to peace. It also reminded me of why these things cannot be discussed openly with anyone unless they have understood the same.

So many 'seekers' run in packs with other 'seekers' constantly affirming each others' ignorant state, reminding each other they are not enlightened, that they are suffering. Then they look toward the guru-figure as their salvation, stuck in their mind constructs year after year, unwilling to take the step of claiming their own divinity.

The poor guy said at one point "who will show you how to be self-realized?", to which I said, "well...my Self of course". He shook his head and said "it doesn't work that way". To which I asked "why doesn't it?" He had an lame answer for most of my questions , but as you may guess he could not answer, if he could he would have perhaps been a step closer to what he is looking for.



I did go back to his table briefly after catching up to my son, to try to get some literature, telling his wife, (he, strangely enough was talking at the time to a former student in a class I TA-ed), then said to him, he couldn't debate worth a shit, but I would read his stuff because I have read everything else, why the hell not. She gave me a fucking bookmark that said "words of peace" and his Israeli wife explained this was the web site, which I could have figured out on my own, since the address was there. But alas I forgot the catchy peace slogan but remembered the dudes name since that is the real way to get the scoop and found how freaky these poor folks are via google search.

yes

what is real depends on the level of reality. this is the land of action. the whole naturalness of the flow towards the source. dribbling out a few words. actual realization is a matter of facing reality at every moment, knowing all around you is temporary, as well as fearful...but only if you think it is. be strong and take responsibility for what you are and don't think of anything else.

language is a beast. I have learned this in translating the Gita and others. The Gitas vocabulary is a medley of different meanings to a single word, that meaning seems to shift a bit in different chapters. But parts of it are golden no doubt. Some of the Samkhya and Yoga parts were likely known to the Buddha. I can say that because I'm a master of the fuckin arts, religions of Asia, and a compulsive Yogi and Ganja Mata devotee.

day

submitted my thesis today, again. Just another bullshit deadline, so they can tell me I need 2 spaces where I have one etc. two more weeks of this shit. feeling weird today. depressed, detached, cynical. its very windy the last two days, today gusting to 30mph, and "unseasonably" cold.

this is a transitory time. the last vestiges of my youth (I'm 35) are left in the halls of a university, ogling the butts of ladies, having no schedule other than my 9 hrs of TAing and classes, worrying about homework, and the books I didn't read because I was exploring various other texts and such.

Can I get a job and be 'normal'? I have never had to. I've always been an underdog. An intellectual among working folk, and a raw misfit among the 'normal' people (that wear slacks to work). I have been happy in my wanderings. I always knew I was just passing through, so to speak. But now I will get a job, get a boss, I guess. Somethings seems strange. I am a fringer. I like to be an observer at the sidelines of normalcy, not a participant.

the question of questions

how much of oneself to sacrifice on the various altars life presents to us?

BLACK SABBATH

my t shirt is too small, worn once. its a good one, band pic, early 70s, before they became cheesy metal. first offer takes it for $5 plus shipping. paypal please. or trade for large size

master of religions of asia

defended my thesis successfully, if with slight hangover. confident. shitloads of corrections, shitloads. but they signed me off, to be official after editing the fucking beast again.

thats the rub. I will feel elated when I turn in the final papers, evreything. then I can celebrate

Jim Morrison on poetry and music-for eva dear

"um I think, um...a lot of poetry is very close to music except um, when you write a poem um, you just, you have to be at a state of mind um, that music can put you in withs its...hypnotic quality"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoVJ-55ZloE

haaaheeehooo pour me one

now

with nothing to accept or reject I am free.

i just

think that the way people think about things needs to be abandoned, mind still. then see for yourself. The gods of many, and their heavens, are simply extensions of their own desires, clouding perception. Without complete control of the mind, you are to some degree, that which one thinks, contemplates. That is the major obstacle of human life; we have thought up our lives and realities, and forgot we have this power.

only observing

is there states of existence beyond what humans or 'I' have have currently? ask yourself

Om rocks the evening in

the fear of not having a body keeps us in one. we only get what we want because We are That. not the अहंकार । whatever the case, people will believe what they like, that is their freedom and gift they don't realize. the आत्मन is really

thesis to be submitted today

Here it goes. from my desk, speckled with ash, smattered with Cannabis flower stems. A work of someone just going forward. an ego, thankfully, in retreat. all I really want to do is spend a year in a tropical location to meditatate reading/translating, asanas, maybe some windsurfing, smoke.

I against I

an example of different uses of sounds, that is, vocabulary, at least in the language of the gods, is versatile

the wake and bake blog

morning is a special time, lets meditate together shall we

pirate I am

I am slowly drifting to the pirates life. beer and strong coffee are the beverages of choice. my new windsurfer is arriving tomorrow. my parrot is getting nippy again. it is the Vernal break. I have to finish editing my thesis. signing off.

another pizza delivery man robbed

it seems to be really cowardly and desperate to rob a pizza delivery dude for $15. it seems to be popular in my town, as i read in the papers. What kind of conversation, alcohol, crack, etc. happened prior to the cowardly deed is up for debate.

at least be sporting about it if you are unfortunate and stupid enough to rob somebody. put on a gstring and a mardi gras mask and rob a bank. I of course have too many tattoos to do this but I put fourth the challenge.

I don't know but

I'd say that to be jivanmukta you would be barely functional in a 'normal' human sense.
To set aside all the conceptional framework and accept a higher of infinite. The barriers of language communication, vocabulary. The nagging feeling that you as a consumer will cease, actual nirvana (in a vocab sense too), nice to read about, but we won't take the step because 'we' (I-doers) don't want to. But think of the possibilities.

J is down with afriend playing with the parrots. I hope poosh doesnt remove the little girls finger. i should get down and check.

Shiva ratri

celebrated with azeala flowers and such
a beautiful time of spring
the Lingam the source of life
then in Fall the festival of the Devi
the planets divinities all enable it to go on
smiling as we go on smiling

paradox unpacked

so we are 'that' which we cannot conceive, though we want to, yet are miserable without understanding.

i feel better...

Saguna and Nirguna

"To resolve such passages in the upanishads, advaita vedAnta maintains that really brahman is devoid of all attributes, and is therefore known as nirguNa. brahman may be described as in the upanishads, as Truth (satyam), Knowledge (jnAnam), Infinite (anantam), or as Being (sat), Consciousness (cit), Bliss (Ananda), but none of these terms can be truly interpreted as attributes of brahman as a Super-person/God. Rather, it is because brahman exists, that this whole universe is possible. It is because brahman exists that man ascribes attributes to brahman. However, brahman's true nature cannot be captured in words, for all these attributes are ultimately just words. Hence, it is man's ignorance of Its true nature that postulates attributes to brahman, thereby describing It in saguNa terms (with attributes). This saguNa brahman is ISvara, the Lord, whose essential reality as brahman is not dependent on anything else, and does not change because of the production of this universe. Therefore, advaita holds that brahman's own nature (svarUpa- lakshaNa) is devoid of any attributes (nirguNa), while It is seen for the temporary purposes of explaining creation (taTastha- lakshaNa) to be ISvara, with attributes (saguNa)."

The above is from: http://www.advaita-vedanta.org/avhp/ad-phil.html

It is interesting that the author of the above says that in the Mahakavya 'tat tvam asi' Sankara takes 'tat' as saguna Brahman -Isvara. interesting...

blabbin bout Brahman

From a GR post:

I think the dualist role is tricky because it would involve of conceiving a saguna Brahman form completely free from our own ego and mental tinges that form the substance of thought about such things. So essentially until one is liberated (whatever that would mean) one cannot know the saguna, we only ascribe qualities to it the mind and ego can employ, which wouldn't be Brahman, it would be our projections about what we think Brahman is. That is my beef, so to speak, with popular 'personalism' ala GV.

One more comment, then I'll shut up. The common way particularly Vaisnava schools have dealt with this impasse is to say that sastra is praman, and the sastra tell you what saguna Brahman is. The point being, just have faith that this is somebody's realization of the absolute, and that it really is what god looks like (e.g. cowerd dressed in Gupta period clothing etc.)

The conception of the Isvara was present in the later Upanishads and the Sankhya influenced Yoga of Patanjali; saguna yes, but much different than what a modern Vaisnava would think of as Krishna and bhakti...

The point is religion progresses and changes, does the Absolute? Are there various levels of consciousness and dimensions? To hell if I know (or not I guess).

more thoughts

I wonder what is at the basis of depressions, driven by desires unsatiated? Lonliness? What is beyond it? Of this life that is either tumultuous or deadly silent. Is there anything beyond this? How to fill up the hours if it is all illusion anyway? Feeling tired.

a new end

no intention of sounding depressing, but i have been busy being depressed. not really angry at her just angry at shit. various shits. shits amounting to wondering if there is indeed no purpose to life and love is a complete illusion. unacted desires wish their way into your words, cloud your vision like a bottle of cheap whisky and leaves you in the morning with the same pain in your gut. but you know it will wear off. ahh. the terrors of the mind, and the minds of other people.

It would be a lie to say that getting older is not helping my outlook on death, but my appeal to women may decline. spent my youth wandering looking for god, scared i'll spend my old age lookin for babes. boredom and monotony are insidious. foes that love inertia. my life seems to lean inert.

the thesis is pretty much done. thats why I have a lot of time on my hands. need to be making resume etc. i need to find out the meaning of life first though.

blog resumes