guru walla at lake ella

I just had a rather unenlightening experience with some old new york jew who is a follower of a guru, some guy named prem rawat I think, while I was walking with my son at a downtown park. He drew me into a conversation which I won't recount in full, circular, intelligent sounding but rote. The guy challenged me in various ways to define enlightenment etc. The guy was kind of loveable in an old NY Jewish man sort of way, but turn off overall, especially when he told me his guru had 200+ thousand disciples, as if that would impress me (this was after I told him I wandered India for some years, and had heard it all, seen it all, and damn near studied it all). In a nutshell, he told me I was full of shit and I said, "prove it", I certainly had more reason to think he was full of shit rather than me, and I got the sense he knew that on some repressed level. But my argument was based only on logic nothing else and still he didn't relent. Later I thought he must be some equivalent to a prabhupad disciple in the west, in his cult.

I am quite new to the realization I don't need a guru or lineage, or religion at all, and I don't need to justify it to anyone, yet I learned something about myself from the guy. I watched my mind teeter with fear, "maybe he is right, maybe this guy is the one...(at which I realized I was thinking like an idiot again)". He took it for granted I have not been thinking about these things most of my life. He brought out all of his cultish artillery, the prefab arguments of why no one can be enlightened on their own, even though I defeated one after one of his arguments. I even slammed my hand on the table suddenly when he started to make a point about awareness in the present moment, to see what he would do (I was hungry having missed lunch, feeling impish, and beginning to get irritated with him as well). The guy obviously didn't know much philosophy, but what little he did he was vociferous about. As I was leaving he said something about how I didn't know when I would die, so I should start thinking about these things, as if I hadn't before, then he muttered "5 years" a few times as I was walking away. Then I saw my mind fearful, "will I die?...is this crazy man right about all this ?".

Then I realized what a wonder learning experience it was; the disturbance in my mind faded as effortlessly as it came. I learned how much I would like to discuss these things with a knowledgeable person (he was not, sincere perhaps, maybe introspective but still shallow and fearful). Also my own doubts that linger, perhaps fear is a better word. As I walked away I saw how silly the whole thing was, how the fluttering mind is so quick to doubt even things I have personally realized, especially when some random old man challenged me. He reminded me in an, offhand way, to be both confident and serene, especially in these last few days that I have been under the weather and incredibly busy in my last two weeks of grad school. I saw a part of my mind and ego flare, fueled by fear: fear of 'mistakes', death, life; in the mind they all run together. I saw my twenty-something year old ISKCON ego come up again, the lost fearful soul desperately looking for the way to peace. It also reminded me of why these things cannot be discussed openly with anyone unless they have understood the same.

So many 'seekers' run in packs with other 'seekers' constantly affirming each others' ignorant state, reminding each other they are not enlightened, that they are suffering. Then they look toward the guru-figure as their salvation, stuck in their mind constructs year after year, unwilling to take the step of claiming their own divinity.

The poor guy said at one point "who will show you how to be self-realized?", to which I said, "well...my Self of course". He shook his head and said "it doesn't work that way". To which I asked "why doesn't it?" He had an lame answer for most of my questions , but as you may guess he could not answer, if he could he would have perhaps been a step closer to what he is looking for.



I did go back to his table briefly after catching up to my son, to try to get some literature, telling his wife, (he, strangely enough was talking at the time to a former student in a class I TA-ed), then said to him, he couldn't debate worth a shit, but I would read his stuff because I have read everything else, why the hell not. She gave me a fucking bookmark that said "words of peace" and his Israeli wife explained this was the web site, which I could have figured out on my own, since the address was there. But alas I forgot the catchy peace slogan but remembered the dudes name since that is the real way to get the scoop and found how freaky these poor folks are via google search.