long too soon post

what am I but just a vibration, vibrating here and there? the will of creation, of life. the illusion of superiority, power. there is nothing like it. may you live it on too.

where did it go? those days of wonder, wander, discovery. It has all gone inward it seems sometimes. India, the grand trip into the beyond. now pestered and working in a system of thought that I don't relate to. Is there another other choices beyond. Of course. we want the world of the mind to paint pictures of its plenty. what if enlightenment is boring, asked the student of the master.

among perceptive and truly intelligent people subtlety is enough. the follower, or consumer, has to have everything shoved in his face to excite the lazy brain from being honest with itself. If there are other better planets, count me in. I guess Im just an idealist. what when you see the utter uncertainty of it all. where did all the good times go? certainly not to the internet. live it live. or worry that you're not.

we struggle with a seeming random life. but nothing really essential is random. the Sun rising and setting, rain, etc. that is oddly , thankfully, predictable. only the possibility of unlimited possibilities that happen at every moment

around the world and back again

maintaining dozens of ac units in/on the towns first shopping mall, now state offices. old bizarre building. electrical energy is alive and must be respected. especially in high concentrations.

sensing a growing change in a America: people are realizing Obama works for da man. he is ushering in an age of goverment control- which was the opposite of the American ideal of liberty, and so on. The government has been run by business interests since its European "founding" a mere 300 some years ago. No need to be illusioned about that. I do believe local governments are better idea. The fight against corruption, greed, self-concern, is always there. people consume others and then themselves. civilizations rise and fall. the will to live is strong, so one must tap into some positive current. the current that allows me to type this and it appear through manipulation of electrical current. the ideal of anything perhaps is never achieved.

Cannabam Upanishad (petal one)
student: we thank Brahman for ganja
master: we thank ganja for Brahman 1

student: from whence does Ganja arise and to where does it go after burning in the sacrificial fire?
master: Ganja is not destroyed when the body is destroyed, just as the Self does not turn to ash with the flesh and bone 2

O-no!bama

it is now confirmed the country is run by bankers and cheats, and their cover up clowns. Headlines abound. Obama is failing economics. there are is no meaning to either party. I fear sometimes this country is destined for decline by being gutted by the wealthy.

my dreams, which are a new phenomenon in themselves, are often filled with temples and holy things, places. even the violent dreams are under my control; enough to shake one up perhaps. I didn't dream much before I started to work.

the first house of the day was in my old neighborhood. A Japanese woman I think with an American husband. They have lived there since I was a kid, I remember. She had a plate in the window with some kind of Shiva-like god or spirit in the window facing the entrance. The super-human terrifying one, made a friend, is the conquering of the world and mind.

kill your computer

with the near death of an alter ego we usher in the spring, 'remember everything Spring can bring...'
the computer is yet another tool, perhaps a conscious state. good or not we try to make some headway. leering raining joking. wondering. always wondering. when the internet character angrezi signed off last week a part of him took root in me. dreams rocked by aggression and adventure. God or gods are often perceived as having this desire to fight for fun and self assertion. fully good.

O seems to, in a short 2 months, show signs he us pretty much devoted to the status quo. even some distasteful attempts at humor as of late. change in packaging perhaps.

I amaze myself at times by my unintentional chameleon-like abilities. I can survive anywhere. madness hath no sway over the man that fear it not (origional). but alas I have taken a new identity once more. my hair is short. I had two job interviews today. knocked the socks off one, I must say. middling performance on the second, the less desirable of the two.

how facebook is absorbing me into itsmostly illusory fold

As the massive wave and crest of humanity rises, so do lives of all sorts of people and everything else, the trends, the internet. the foggy world between thought and somehow still composed of light, and thought and imagination if it is to be considered separate. souls that are fragmentary parts of me and vice versa, that live yet many I will not be in flesh form. Some I would really like to see in flesh form.

I may stay here in this state of my birth. I have an interview friday, and a message on another contractor's machine. this beautiful swamp and beachland may allow us to stay after all. Time to cut the locks it seems, what few lengths are left. Tonight my hair and body is powdered with the pulp of Oak trees. ozone, and sweat. a good days work is essential. a beautiful hawk circled over my head a few times as I raked and shoveled chips. I could make out the individual wing feathers on the underside. Later, on the way home J and I saw a pair of bald eagles circling high, right on the way home

valentines

as america gets sucked a bit deeper by the inevitable vacuum backlash of its artificially affluent consumption, I also vacillate, although never, yet, affluent. delivered flowers for two days. rainy day. tired of my continually repressed and dismal conditions of life. the moldy shitty cramped stinkin apartment. the pressure of trying to teach a human being that you chose to produce how to survive in life when you cant seem to get a break yourself. plenty of empty and somewhat meaningless time to ruminate, wasting time on time wasted years ago. there is no rewind button. every step up I seem to take seems followed by a shift down in everything around me sometimes.

notes

by perception of increasingly subtle laws of nature and thought one performs the ultimate experiment. a whiff of the breath of god, as it were. a science, an experiment. living is the only way to test the hypothesis.

I dont have hep c. my enzyme level is improving, bp mostly ok

reflections so I wont worry about the dismal economic forecast

what happens that moment when the body dies. the subtle movements, definitions of being at a loss or gain? life seems to burst fourth of its own and how else should it be and could be.

universal

Will likely ace my EPA certification test tommorrow. took the practice test twice, second time got 98 out of 100 right, and learned the remaining two answers. the only thing it I have to get to school on time , 8am, to take it. I will soon be a "universal" technician. space travel included.

old times

went to the neighborhood clinic again today to get results for the blood work. It is in an old building around 100 years I guess, formerly lLincoln highschool in the old black Frenchtown. Across the small parking lot sits teh former site of an 'alternative' I highschool I attendid in 86-87 I think. A few blocks away was the middle school I attended. where I first bought Cannabis (I got my first acid at the aforementioned highschool, where I would return in later years to sell the chemical). Later around 16-17 years old, me and friends stared hanging out with an old black dude, Jesse James. No, shit. I use his real name because I heard he died a some ten years back. He was about my age now, or a little younger when we would hang with T (abbreviation of his nickname, which I wont disclose). We'd drink 11-11 malt liquor, smoke cigarettes and often a little rock. We all were granted nicknames evnetually. I was J cool groove. I still probably would be to a handful olf old black dudes on the northside of Tally, if any are still kicking.

at the clinic at the waiting bench two jabbery country women sat to my left. On my right a middle aged coutry dude that talked alittle like Carl in "Slingblade'. and a cute friendly but slightly Ill looking young woman with piercing blue eyes named Kristal, about 18-19 yrs old. Later a nice older black lady came with a kid, and reminded us reminded us to pray to Jesus. Then a girl came in with her face severely melted by a fire. Krystal, the yound girl was friendly to her. then the burned girl began to speak loudly about pregnancy and prison etc. to someone on her cell phone. It turned into a bizzare scene for a few minutes. Not to mention the drugged out woman, Xanax maybe, passed out in the waiting room. it took three nurses to wake her up a bit, at which point she immediately spilled coffee all over herself. Its a jungle out there.

they took more blood. evidently some liver enzymes are high. but not the ones associated with drinking , but with hep C. so they will check. while waiting for the phlebotomist (been waiting to use that word), visions of Indian barbers scraping my face and head came to mind. I have not used intrevenous drugs ever, but I did have a biopsy done in Agra, and an appendectomy in 2000, though that should not be suspect. Ill know in a week. everything else is good apperantly.

language, the combinations of sounds to possess meanings. often many meanings. we search for meanings and or knowledge in many ways with senses. the language itself is always a code as well as sounds that reflect life of peoples and other animals need and or desire for communication as they are lodged in time and space always shifting with the landscape. but what does communication mean. speaking in older times and typing in modern. thats all.

news

MLK Day
I would ask somebody, what do yo do on a hypogly diet what to do when you cant eat as in the flu or something. Not that I am or expect to be. Watched 'Outsourced' last night. funny. made me miss India.
Review of RAW rolling papers: attractive, translucent light brown. tastes like cardboard. tried to slice off gum with sharp blade, and taste improved slightly. chewed those discarded strips and the tsted like chewing a gummed piece of cardboard; which it occurred to me that it is essentially that. (fiber content source(s) not listed. But they burn really well with the proprietary water mark. burn slow and even. goes out in between puffs, which is helpful for solo smoking. burning a single paper leave only traces of grey ash. perhaps the gum strip, which is perhaps too plentiful in this 1.25 size paper. (made in Spain, by Supreme -something-follow pic link to site)) $2 (US) retail, 1.25, 32 leaves pack.

Bottom line, burns good, tastes not so good, much better for the envirnment. I'll give em a thums up.

weather update:

LOoks like we will be spared from predicted temps in the teens (F). Forecast for friday is still 23, which is chilly for me in our little swamp bunker.

my life is the biggest experiment of my life. how to live. which means essentially what to think. or maybe a why to think. at least that's what I think.

the 'job fair' today was incredibly shitty production. This town is beat. Time to beat it.


I honestly think people and countries should be judged on how thay are currently. The history of a country of a person or country (a specific collection of persons) can only really be known to the individual.

humans changed along with the concept of money. to group/tribe has become too big, cnn culture makes one think the world is all around him, neglecting the people across the street or across town. we stare at computer screens

the move to ATL is looking more real. a clean slate, a new state. work will be easier to find. at least thats the idea.

I tried to make the preceeding Tox log entries visible only to me for my reference, as that is who they are meant for (in the event anyone is reading this), but I either can't figure out how to or you cant on this site w/o saving as a draft