valentines

as america gets sucked a bit deeper by the inevitable vacuum backlash of its artificially affluent consumption, I also vacillate, although never, yet, affluent. delivered flowers for two days. rainy day. tired of my continually repressed and dismal conditions of life. the moldy shitty cramped stinkin apartment. the pressure of trying to teach a human being that you chose to produce how to survive in life when you cant seem to get a break yourself. plenty of empty and somewhat meaningless time to ruminate, wasting time on time wasted years ago. there is no rewind button. every step up I seem to take seems followed by a shift down in everything around me sometimes.

notes

by perception of increasingly subtle laws of nature and thought one performs the ultimate experiment. a whiff of the breath of god, as it were. a science, an experiment. living is the only way to test the hypothesis.

I dont have hep c. my enzyme level is improving, bp mostly ok

reflections so I wont worry about the dismal economic forecast

what happens that moment when the body dies. the subtle movements, definitions of being at a loss or gain? life seems to burst fourth of its own and how else should it be and could be.